Counselor Adofoli on why relationships don’t survive

The survival of relationships can depend on many factors, but in my opinion, the most important one is how well couples manage their conflicts. In other words, how healthily couples fight.

You cannot have a relationship without conflicts, and you cannot avoid or prevent them. Unfortunately, many couples escalate conflicts due to their inability to resolve issues, ultimately destroying their relationship.

One unhealthy way of approaching conflicts is name-calling. When people are hurt, they want to express their feelings by venting. They end up becoming abusive, using insulting and demeaning labels to attack or belittle their partner.

When you emotionally abuse your partner with your words and then ask them to forget what happened and move on, your partner may struggle to recover from the damage.

They replay your words in their mind and feel the sting of those words. Even though you apologize, you cannot erase those words from their memory. Over time, you may realize you are together but distant at heart.

Don’t act on your anger, and don’t wait for issues to pile up before talking about them. Don’t nurse resentment. Avoid words or statements that humiliate your partner, hurt them, or attack their personality. Before speaking to your partner, ask yourself, “How would I feel if these words were spoken to me?” If you wouldn’t feel good hearing them, don’t speak them to your partner.

Your anger will eventually fade, but the damage of harsh words lingers.
In conclusion, “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).

Frank Edem Adofoli

Counsellor, ADR Practitioner, Conference Speaker & Author.

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